


Excuses

by theskywasblue



Category: Saiyuki
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, First Time, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-21
Updated: 2010-05-21
Packaged: 2017-10-09 15:14:32
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/88765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theskywasblue/pseuds/theskywasblue
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hakkai comes back, Gojyo wants answers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Excuses

**Author's Note:**

  * For [roninlvr](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=roninlvr).



"I've still only got the one bed – I didn't – I mean…Asshole told me you were dead."

"That's quite alright Gojyo."

Even with a new name, he was still the guy that Gojyo remembered; quiet, polite, never asking for a single thing. A name was just a name anyway, though Gojyo didn't want to tell Hakkai that, because the guy genuinely seemed like a weight had been lifted off his chest just because he was allowed to call himself something else. Hakkai was a better name anyway – better than Gonou – a name Gojyo was sure he would never have gotten used to saying; it would have tangled in his tongue and gone sour from disuse.

"You can have it – your blood's all over it anyway."

Hakkai blushed a little at that, running his hand through his hair. Gojyo mimicked the motion unconsciously. His short hair still felt strange to him, prickled the palm of his hand. It would be good to grow it out again.

"That's very generous of you Gojyo, but it really is your bed."

"No big deal man, I got used to sleeping on the floor; one more night isn't going to kill me."

Hakkai's smile was the same even, a little crooked, a little uncertain if you looked at it the right way. Just for an instant, looking at that smile, Gojyo missed him more than when he had been away.

"I suppose we'll have to go tomorrow and get another bed from somewhere," Hakkai opened the closet that Gojyo never used – didn't have anything worth hanging, everything he wore on a regular basis could be roughly folded then stuffed into the small, rickety dresser – and started putting away clothes from the small suitcase he had brought with him from the temple. Gojyo recognized some of the clothes as his own, old and often oversized on Hakkai's leaner frame; but others were new, "The Sanbutsushin were kind enough to give me some money to assist with starting my life over again…perhaps we could get a new mattress for the other bed as well – and does the sink in the kitchen still need to be fixed?"

Gojyo leaned against the doorframe and lit a cigarette as a barrier against the litany of questions, "Hey man, don't waste your money on me."

"It wouldn't be _wasted_ Gojyo," the brunet sighed, shaking his head, "honestly, what would make you think that? Besides which, I'm not helpless any longer, I fully intend to find myself gainful employment."

Right, of course, that made sense. Hakkai was all _'I'm sorry to have troubled you'_ and _'really, that's not necessary'_. Naturally he would want to feel like he was pulling his own weight, wouldn't want to feel like Gojyo was taking care of him. Not that Gojyo wanted to take care of the guy; he had enough trouble taking care of himself most days. Though he had done a pretty good job of it for a while.

* * *

Hakkai cooked dinner, a simple, quick stir-fry, surprised by the amount of '_actual food_' in the refrigerator.

"Did you suddenly find religion while I was away Gojyo?" he teased.

"What the hell makes you think that?" Gojyo demanded. Saying '_away_' made it sound like he had been on some kind of vacation – which, Gojyo reflected sourly, he had been, in effect, "You were the one living in a temple eating bean-sprouts."

If Hakkai was surprised by Gojyo's sudden ire, he didn't show it, "It was meant to be a joke – your hair…"

Gojyo lifted his rice bowl, feeling the warmth of good food seeping through the ceramic surface and into his fingertips, "I just wanted a change, that's all."

Hakkai said, '_yes, of course_', like he didn't really believe it, and that was fine. Hakkai wouldn't believe the truth if he heard it anyway; or maybe he already knew.

"Looks stupid, right?"

Hakkai smiled gently, head tipped just slightly to one side with almost childish curiosity, "It looks...different."

Which meant stupid, really. Gojyo remembered seeing his face in the mirror for the first time, without the curtain of hair to hide it and being completely caught off guard, not recognizing himself at all. He had given himself up, at least the part of him that was made of crimson hair and eyes. Gojyo remembered looking in the mirror and thinking "_I'm not myself anymore_", then laughing himself to tears.

* * *

Gojyo woke from something that might have been a nightmare just after midnight, and couldn't remember where he was. He lay very still in the darkness and listened as his heart slowed down, and once the deafening rush of blood was gone, he remembered that he wasn't alone.

With a soft rustle of cloth, Gojyo sat up; squinting through the darkness; he could see a body curled on the bed. He held his breath, listening, but the room was completely silent.

An anxious fear plugged up his veins and half-crushed his lungs. Shaking despite himself, Gojyo pulled himself up from the futon and crossed the room, the soft 'pat-pat' of his bare feet of the floorboards seeming shockingly loud. Hakkai was on his back, half-tucked beneath the coarse-woven blanket, once arm up above his head on the pillow. Gojyo could see the steady rise and fall of the brunet's chest, but that wasn't confirmation enough. Gingerly, he slipped into the bed, bracing most of his weight on the frame to keep the mattress from moving around too much; and rested his head on Hakkai's chest to make sure he could hear the steady hum of a beating heart.

"I _am_ alive Gojyo," hearing Hakkai's voice echoing through the cavern of his chest was a comfort more than a surprise, the gentle hand that came down and slipped through his hair soothing, "really."

Gojyo slipped his hand over Hakkai's stomach – soft fabric and a tiny ribbon of warm skin against his own.

"Asshole…" he murmured, tightening his fists in the soft fabric of Hakkai's shirt.

Hakkai's hand in his hair paused, and then a fingertip skated lightly over the rim of Gojyo's ear, almost tickling.

"I mean you could have – you didn't have to leave me thinking…" Gojyo had no idea what he was trying to say, only knew that he had to say something because it felt like someone had packed his chest full of sawdust until he could barely breathe, "You stupid asshole."

"I'm sorry Gojyo," Hakkai's voice seemed to shiver slightly, "I suppose I could have – should have – sent some word to you…I was just so surprised by the thought of being allowed to live again, I didn't think…I'm sorry."

"Shut up," Gojyo ground out, pressing his face hard enough into Hakkai's ribs to feel the sharpness of the bone underneath, "I don't want to hear your fucking excuses, got it?"

Hakkai went completely silent, completely still, though his fingers were still warm on Gojyo's temple. If not for that warmth and the sound of his heartbeat he might have been dead.

Gojyo pushed up, hands braced on Hakkai's shoulders, pushing him back hard into the bed, shaking with a sudden outrage that choked him when he tried to swallow it down.

"You didn't _think_? I thought you were dead Hakkai! Do you have any idea…" Gojyo inhaled sharply, and stopped. Hakkai was looking up at him, guilt painted all over his face, moonlight through the window turning his false eye ghostly-white and the other unearthly green. His hand was still in Gojyo's hair, the tip of his pinkie finger playing back and forth over the rise of vertebrae in Gojyo's neck, a small, tickling touch.

"Dammit Hakkai…"

He could have resisted, could have pulled back or done something to fight against the gentle pressure on the back of his skull, drawing him down; but there wasn't a point.

Hakkai kissed him slowly, more gently than any woman ever had, just lips pressed against lips, fingers kneading the back of his neck. It made warmth curl in the low part of his belly, not quite insistent enough to be arousal, but more intense than Gojyo expected for such a simple touch. When he drew back, Hakkai's hand slipped around to cup his cheek, thumb running over his cheekbone, over the scars without hesitation.

"I had no idea…"

A soft growl of frustration escaped from Gojyo's chest, one hand fisting in the sheets, the other in the hem of Hakkai's sleeping shirt, "Did I just say I didn't want to hear any more of your excuses?"

Hakkai's hand slid around the back of his neck again, and then up to tease the short bristles of his hair, "Yes, you did."

The second time, the kiss was deeper, Gojyo let his tongue run over the seam of Hakkai's lips and they parted for him with a soft exhalation of warm breath, then Hakkai's tongue met Gojyo's without hesitation, as if it had been waiting for the chance. Hakkai kissed like nothing Gojyo had ever felt before, threw himself into the act with complete abandon, as if his life depended on it. One hand smoothed over the back of Gojyo's head, the other pushed up beneath Gojyo's wife-beater and across his back. Gojyo's hand uncurled from Hakkai's shirt and moved underneath the fabric, over his stomach, making the muscles there shiver as he bypassed the strange incongruity of the scar and pushed higher, moving the shirt out of the way.

"Fuck Hakkai…" he growled as their kiss broke – though he wasn't sure if it was because of the growing heat and pressure in his groin, some residual anger, or the soft noise of pleasure Hakkai made as the pad of Gojyo's thumb ran over one pink nipple. He pressed his rapidly hardening cock against Hakkai's hip and groaned. The brunet sat up abruptly, pulling his shirt off and tossing it aside, making short work of Gojyo's as well, and they lay chest to chest, legs tangled together, exploring skin with hands and lips until Gojyo was so wound up he could barely think – he just wanted more.

He pushed Hakkai back and straddled him so that their hips ground together, holding back a groan at the sensation of Hakkai's aroused flesh beneath his own, barely separated by the fabric of Gojyo's boxers and Hakkai's sleeping pants. His hand roved desperately over Hakkai's skin and fought with the waistband of Hakkai's pants, but they didn't seem to want to move anywhere.

"Gojyo," Hakkai tugged on his arm, repeating it more urgently, forcefully, when he didn't receive an immediate response; releasing Gojyo arm and pulling his head up instead.

"What?" Gojyo demanded, breathless and frantic.  
"It's alright."

Gojyo's consciousness seemed frayed all around the edges; nothing made sense, "What?"

Hakkai's hand slipped across his cheek, down his neck and then over his shoulder all the way down his arm to curl their fingers together, "You're shaking Gojyo."

He was. It felt like every particle in his body was vibrating way too fast, like he was going to fly completely apart.

"It's alright," Hakkai repeated. He lifted his hips, pushing his pants and whatever was underneath out of the way like it was the easiest thing in the world, and guided Gojyo's hand down to his cock. The startling sensation of hot, hard flesh in his palm grounded Gojyo abruptly. He gave Hakkai and experimental stroke and the brunet's eyes fluttered shut, a slow exhalation of pleasure passing his lips. He stroked again and Hakkai moaned.

That was enough. Gojyo kicked his boxers away and Hakkai's hand curled around him, firm, warm and just slightly damp. Gojyo moaned into Hakkai's mouth and bucked into his hand. It was good, too fucking good. They rocked their hips together until Hakkai was making little noises of pleasure and need with Gojyo echoing him almost breath for breath, gasping Hakkai's name over and over as if afraid he would forget what it was. All too soon they had both come a sticky mess over each other's hands and Hakkai's stomach. Gojyo stirred his fingers through their mixed fluids and looked down at Hakkai's face, softened by release and gentle compassion, green eyes looking back at Gojyo with more caring than anyone had ever shown him before. He pressed his face into the side of Hakkai's neck and shook while Hakkai murmured soothingly and smoothed the sweat-damp mess of his hair back over and over again.

"I should…" Gojyo managed finally, lips feathering Hakkai's sweat-damp skin, "I should go."

But he couldn't bring himself to move. Hakkai seemed to understand. He eased onto his side, bringing Gojyo with him, putting himself against the wall with Gojyo's body between him and the door, an arm wrapped tightly around Gojyo's waist. Gojyo's own arm wrapped around Hakkai in a grip so tight it had to be bruising, but Hakkai didn't complain.

"You'd better still be here in the morning you bastard," Gojyo warned, "or else I'll hunt you down myself."

"Of course Gojyo," Hakkai's lips were warm and reassuring against Gojyo's own, "No excuses."

-End-


End file.
